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| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 1 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (5/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
wistan
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 28, 2010 |
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Not a bad story here; the author is obviously describing something that's a big fantasy for him, and his enthusiasm for it comes across in the writing. Unfortunately that's also the weakness of the story; it reads less like an actual story and more like somebody narrating his personal fantasy. To improve, you need to develop the characters a bit; talk about how they feel, what they say, why they do what they do. Remember, it's an abnormal thing we're talking about here - the average wife doesn't just suddenly go out one night and bring men home, and if she did the average husband wouldn't respond positively! So you need to build in believability... how did they get going, were they nervous, scared, what? More dialogue between them, talking over their feelings, how this turns them on, etc, will make this a much better story. (5/10)
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