I always knew what I wanted. and that was all good and fine. I could yearn, but never feel. I bled with the need to endure what never left the back of my mind.

 

I worked at a local used bookstore, and drove the old powdered blue mercedes that my well beloved aunt passed down to me. I didn't much like the colour, but not only did it have sentiment, It made me feel accomplished. I always enjoyed riding with her in it.  My car was decorated with empty cardboard coffee cups from country style, cellophane and yellow strips from packages of cigarettes, CD's missing their cases, and a crystal cello player with some eighth notes hanging from my rearview mirror. It was an older model, but suprisingly good on the highway. I was seventh grade in piano and was working to become a teacher at the royal conservatory of music. Or at least to give lessons from my house. My parents were record producers for a company by the name of Naxos. We lived in a fairly large house. I chose the room farthest to the back so I wouldn't have to be distrubed by the guests too frequently. There were always great musicians from Europe coming to stay with us for the period they were in the country to record with my parents for.

As marvellous and interesting as that was, some of them were very loud. and it gets very annoying when you like to sleep until 3 in the afternoon.

My temper's never been too great. Especially towards guests that don't have the decency to shut their mouths, It's three pm. People are sleeping.

When I was 16, I asked my mother if I could move into the basement, she was more then happy. They helped me move the ping pong table out of the way, and helped me move my instruments and furniture downstairs. It was a big house. so in turn, it was a very large basement. I just made the largest space my room, and the rest was... Well, whatever I wanted it to be.  There was a door that lead outside from the basement, so I could come and go as I did please. We lived in Aruora. It wasn't that far away from civilization, but... Pretty far. and I liked it that way too.

 

I never had many boyfriends. I knew I was attractive because they'd always try, and I wouldn't be able to put up with them enough to have a decent conversation, let alone a binding relationship with. I became sour on the notion of love. I don't check my blindspot because I always know what's going on beside me. My peripherial has always been better than my main field of vision. I had to wear glasses when I was driving, I was a little too nearsighted. I was 18, but my face looked aged - if you didn't know me personally. Contrary to most peoples beliefs; I was still a virgin. For reasons completely onto myself. For the most part, I was waiting for somebody whom I could trust and respect. Somebody who was a man, and not a boy. Who reaked of brilliance and madness. My father says I have expectations of the gods. I say, For all good reason.

 

For the first three years of my life, There was a Cherry Blossom out in front of the house I used to live at,. All Winter I'd ask my mother where it went. She told me everything dies in the Winter time.

 

I only had classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this simester. I worked any other day that they decided to call me in. My school relocated to somewhere around Dufferin and Bloor, I didn't much care for the area. It was very unclean. It was cheap, But made me feel better about myself. Like being in a room full of 600 ugly people, and knowing you're the most attractive one there. The area our house was in was very rural, but very wealthy. The people who own the costume store at Centre and John live just down the street from us. Everybody thinks they're Vampires. It's silly. They have those Coffin's in their basement because they own a costume shop, that's the most logical reason I can come up with, anyways. I still can't understand the balcony they fenced off for their thirty cats. Maybe they just really love animals. The book store that I worked at, was only 5 minutes away from where I lived. This girl Allison that I knew from Highschool got me a job there 8 months ago. Not for any particular reason, really. She knew I was in the know, and liked to read alot more than anybody else that she knew at the time, but for the most part, they were hiring - I was looking. 

 

When I wasn't at school or work, Chances are you'd find me in my room with the door locked, taking down Daiquiri's, smoking Du Maurier special milds, and using up the ink in the scattered black pens around my desk. I've had this desk since I was younger. It was practically an antique. It was my great grandmothers. Rich dark hard wood of some sort, not certain what kind exactly. When I was little, I'd carve random words into the underside of the desk. I forgot they were there until recently. Reading it can be haunting. The jumbled scribbles of my childhood, pressed into the grains. I try not to think about it, or at least not look at it.

 

I always wrote. Nobody knew what exactly what I was writing about. I didn't let them know, I didn't want them to know. I wrote for me. But, it would have been nice to show somebody, If I thought they'd take it the way I intended it to be taken.

 

Tonight was going to be a good night. I had coffee, cream, enough smokes, and my Daiquiri's (which happened to be my current phase.)

I had a fridge and bar downstairs with me. just beyond my room. I kept procrastinating going upstairs to the Piano, I didn't really want to leave my room. I had ideas. I settled for my keyboard. Which can be interesting when you have ideas. I repeated the words... "Pinnacle, Pinnacle, Pinnacle, Nadir, Nadir, Nadir, Zenith."

I experiemented with different tones, pitches, and volumes. I wheeled back over to my computer to put the music I was listening to back on, and picked up where I left off.

I chewed on the red plastic of my pen, and shook my right leg vigorously. "What now..."

 

I decided to go out for coffee, I was getting a bit antsy. I needed to find inspiration somewhere. Sometimes it comes easier when i'm moving around. Not quite inspiration, More like a setting. I needed detail. I'd only had a single drink at this point, and wasn't really feeling anything. I was fine to drive. I was thinking of picking up one of my friends, but then I thought of the aftermath. Having to hear them whine about the stupidest shit ever. No. No, that's quite the opposite to my intentions of going out. I put on my jacket, grabbed my notebook, and I was gone. I was pretty much done this one. I was proud, I only tolerate the best. Some say I'm too critical. I say, I just know what I like.

 

I sat silently at a booth in the back, and sipped my coffee. Scanned over the 23 pages I've written. I was content, except for a few grammatical errors.

This was an important piece of writing. This was the first time I've expressed this issue in words or a situation. at the top of the page, I wrote "Cherry Juice and Saw Dust."

I smiled and headed home.

 

I always have at least 5 mirrors around me at all times. I wouldn't want to forget what I came for.

 

I walked in the door, and my parents were still awake, which is normal for them. They have a lot of late nights.

Me: I didn't know we were having guests anytime soon.

Her: Aidan's a student. He's going to be helping us for the next couple of weeks.

Me: Well, Nice to meet you, Aidan.

Before he could say much, I walked downstairs. I had too much on my mind for matters of manners and introductions.

 

I untied the strings of my boots, stepped into my fuzzy leopard slippers, and threw on my robe. I sat down in my chair. and stared at the wall for approximately 30 seconds.

 

For days, Aidan would pass by me having my cereal and coffee and wouldn't say a word, I suspected he wanted to concentrate on his work, and make a good impression while he was at our house. I would go about my daily business, driving to coffee shops at night, finding my place in the back and writing, go to work, come home, smoke cigarettes and drink Jack Daniels.  He'd be dropping by almost every day for a month now, so I hardly noticed he was there since I was always downstairs in my room. We'd have him for dinner, and there wouldn't be much conversation between us, but an odd glare every know and again. Instantly i'd feel the same intrusion and go back to feeling i'm too prestigious to be noticing him, an outsider, a puppy - How pathetic. I would not admit to myself how his eyes frightened me now and again, how he'd slink past my room when my parents were out doing errands and he was in the office working and arranging. Quickly I realized how absolutely silly I was being. This boy had no place slinking around my house. I would confront him soon enough...

 

Weeks went by, it was fall, crisp, chilling, and inspiring. It was a Wednesday evening, 9:30 or so, All the garbage was laying about to be picked up in the morning, the air smelled of rich firewoods, and the breeze blew the crinkled coloured leaves across the ashvault. My parents had gone to Spain last Saturday to do some recording. I was finally glad to have the house to myself. I got home and put something I was working on in the stereo and ran it through the computer and main speakers in the house. I picked up one of the microphones and started to sing, I was alone - and I felt free somehow, It was a beautiful night. I took a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes out on the back deck, and listened to rinky old jazz tunes, I was approaching a state of inebriation, and decided to take a small walk just on the outskirts of our backyard (Which was fairly large, 3 acres.) I sat on a rock near the pond and continued to drink, I twisted the cap back on when I'd had enough, and lit a cigarette. There was rustling from squirrels, or something..

 

"Ugh. I hope it's not a damn skunk", I got up to double check, start walking towards the broken coloured rusty trees saw nothing and turned around. Before my brain could even process what was going on, I had some sort of gray glove over my mouth. I couldn't see what was happening, this was a fairly safe area, what's going on. this isn't happening to me, It's probably just a joke. I could hear the slight parting of moisture from their lips when they said my name.. "You're going to do exactly what I say lest there be reprocussions." I rolled my eyes and tried to thrash about, but I couldn't budge.

"What the fuck are you doing to me you pathetic prick, let me go and pay for what you're looking for like any decent pervert would, on your way with you."  They blindfolded me and taped my mouth shut, I had a hard time admitting to myself that I was scared. I was a brat, and I knew it. I was specific, I knew exactly what I liked and especially what I didn't. He fliped me over his shoulder and told me for every time I kicked him, he'd cut one of my cute little toes off, and save them for himself. He put me gently on my bed and bound me tightly to it, he shut my door, and took off my blindfold. I was too absent minded to think anything of it, Aidan did this - and I had no say at this point.

 

"Ahem, I found some manuscripts on your desk the other day that I'd like to read to you, they were quite shocking to say the least,  Seriously Jade darling, I had no idea - I bet nobody really does. Sweetheart. you haven't been all too kind, I've been working extremely hard and still you look at me sourly, and with jealousy - Listen here miss secluded, it's time you've gotten exposed, pretty girl. You are a brilliant girl, but also quite confused. Perhaps I should recite some of your more recent manuscripts? "PLllzz dnnt" Barely audible through the duct tape. He sat on the other side of the room, his eyes glowing like marble sheen past the whisps of black neck length fine hair over his face. His eyes, I've never noticed them... they were bright ocean green - luminesent. his skin pale porcelian, he was dressed sharply, he took off his black trent coat, neatly folded it and put it on the bed beside me, he was wearing an olive coloured suit jacket, plain brown shirt, and black dress pants. My mind drifted and paniced again at what he chose to read...

 

 

"Care to explain what this is about? Well... Don't hurt yourself with that thing on. Here." He rips the tape off my mouth in a fast pull." I was exceedingly embarassed, I stared blankly in shame, I couldn't bear to look at him. "I knew this is what you needed. I'd have fantasties when I got back home at night, of coming down here while you were sleeping and putting my hand over your mouth, just to see those pretty stone eyes glitter with fear for me." Aidan put out his cigarette and started towards me. He took off his suit jacket, and sat beside me. just staring at me, eeriely. He smelled great, I felt like an animal his hair was dark and fell perfectly around his face, and was an incredible contrast with his light green eyes. His face was sculpted in an almost ancient fashion, and I suppose I've never noticed it until inside this limelight of shocking significance.

 

He sat up, and went to my red wide computer chair. "Cherry Juice &" He only managed to get that much through his pink parted lips before I started bickering in a hubrise as defining to my character as a fingerprint.

 

Aidan ignore my nonsense, and began to read with fascinating vitality. I sat on the bed in paralyzing awe. a slight luminesence over one hemisphere of his face from the glow of the computer screen, while I embraced my words beating with life and oxygen, he gave birth to a mute, and interperted it with a dialect and sound I would have never imaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I always knew what I wanted. and that was all good and fine. I could yearn, but never feel. I bled with the need to endure what never left the back of my mind.

 

I worked at a local used bookstore, and drove the old powdered blue Mercedes that my well beloved aunt passed down to me. I didn't much like the colour, but not only did it have sentiment, It made me feel accomplished. I always enjoyed riding with her in it. My car was decorated with empty cardboard coffee cups from country style, cellophane and yellow strips from packages of cigarettes, Cd's missing their cases, and a crystal cello player with some eighth notes hanging from my rear view mirror. It was an older model, but surprisingly good on the highway. I was seventh grade in piano and was working to become a teacher at the royal conservatory of music. Or at least to give lessons from my house. My parents were record producers for a company by the name of Naxos. We lived in a fairly large house. I chose the room farthest to the back so I wouldn't have to be disturbed by the guests too frequently. There were always great musicians from Europe coming to stay with us for the period they were in the country to record with my parents for.

As marvellous and interesting as that was, some of them were very loud. and it gets very annoying when you like to sleep until 3 in the afternoon.

My temper's never been too great. Especially towards guests that don't have the decency to shut their mouths, It's three pm. People are sleeping.

When I was 16, I asked my mother if I could move into the basement, she was more then happy. They helped me move the ping pong table out of the way, and helped me move my instruments and furniture downstairs. It was a big house. so in turn, it was a very large basement. I just made the largest space my room, and the rest was... Well, whatever I wanted it to be. There was a door that lead outside from the basement, so I could come and go as I did please. We lived in Aurora. It wasn't that far away from civilization, but... Pretty far. and I liked it that way too.

 

I never had many boyfriends. I knew I was attractive because they'd always try, and I wouldn't be able to put up with them enough to have a decent conversation, let alone a binding relationship with. I became sour on the notion of love. I don't check my blind spot because I always know what's going on beside me. My peripheral has always been better than my main field of vision. I had to wear glasses when I was driving, I was a little too nearsighted. I was 18, but my face looked aged - if you didn't know me personally. Contrary to most peoples beliefs; I was still a virgin. For reasons completely onto myself. For the most part, I was waiting for somebody whom I could trust and respect. Somebody who was a man, and not a boy. Who wreaked of brilliance and madness. My father says I have expectations of the gods. I say, For all good reason.

 

For the first three years of my life, There was a Cherry Blossom out in front of the house I used to live at,. All Winter I'd ask my mother where it went. She told me everything dies in the Winter time.

 

I only had classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester. I worked any other day that they decided to call me in. My school relocated to somewhere around Dufferin and Bloor, I didn't much care for the area. It was very unclean. It was cheap, But made me feel better about myself. Like being in a room full of 600 ugly people, and knowing you're the most attractive one there. The area our house was in was very rural, but very wealthy. The people who own the costume store at Centre and John live just down the street from us. Everybody thinks they're Vampires. It's silly. They have those Coffin's in their basement because they own a costume shop, that's the most logical reason I can come up with, anyways. I still can't understand the balcony they fenced off for their thirty cats. Maybe they just really love animals. The book store that I worked at, was only 5 minutes away from where I lived. This girl Allison that I knew from High school got me a job there 8 months ago. Not for any particular reason, really. She knew I was in the know, and liked to read a lot more than anybody else that she knew at the time, but for the most part, they were hiring - I was looking.

 

When I wasn't at school or work, Chances are you'd find me in my room with the door locked, taking down Daiquiri's, smoking Du Maurier special milds, and using up the ink in the scattered black pens around my desk. I've had this desk since I was younger. It was practically an antique. It was my great grandmothers. Rich dark hard wood of some sort, not certain what kind exactly. When I was little, I'd carve random words into the underside of the desk. I forgot they were there until recently. Reading it can be haunting. The jumbled scribbles of my childhood, pressed into the grains. I try not to think about it, or at least not look at it.

 

I always wrote. Nobody knew what exactly what I was writing about. I didn't let them know, I didn't want them to know. I wrote for me. But, it would have been nice to show somebody, If I thought they'd take it the way I intended it to be taken.

 

Tonight was going to be a good night. I had coffee, cream, enough smokes, and my Daiquiri's (which happened to be my current phase.)

I had a fridge and bar downstairs with me. just beyond my room. I kept procrastinating going upstairs to the Piano, I didn't really want to leave my room. I had ideas. I settled for my keyboard. Which can be interesting when you have ideas. I repeated the words... "Pinnacle, Pinnacle, Pinnacle, Nadir, Nadir, Nadir, Zenith."

I experimented with different tones, pitches, and volumes. I wheeled back over to my computer to put the music I was listening to back on, and picked up where I left off.

I chewed on the red plastic of my pen, and shook my right leg vigorously. "What now..."

 

I decided to go out for coffee, I was getting a bit antsy. I needed to find inspiration somewhere. Sometimes it comes easier when I'm moving around. Not quite inspiration, More like a setting. I needed detail. I'd only had a single drink at this point, and wasn't really feeling anything. I was fine to drive. I was thinking of picking up one of my friends, but then I thought of the aftermath. Having to hear them whine about the stupidest shit ever. No. No, that's quite the opposite to my intentions of going out. I put on my jacket, grabbed my notebook, and I was gone. I was pretty much done this one. I was proud, I only tolerate the best. Some say I'm too critical. I say, I just know what I like.

 

I sat silently at a booth in the back, and sipped my coffee. Scanned over the 23 pages I've written. I was content, except for a few grammatical errors.

This was an important piece of writing. This was the first time I've expressed this issue in words or a situation. at the top of the page, I wrote "Cherry Juice and Saw Dust."

I smiled and headed home.

 

I always have at least 5 mirrors around me at all times. I wouldn't want to forget what I came for.

 

I walked in the door, and my parents were still awake, which is normal for them. They have a lot of late nights.

Me: I didn't know we were having guests anytime soon.

Her: Aidan's a student. He's going to be helping us for the next couple of weeks.

Me: Well, Nice to meet you, Aidan.

Before he could say much, I walked downstairs. I had too much on my mind for matters of manners and introductions.

 

I untied the strings of my boots, stepped into my fuzzy leopard slippers, and threw on my robe. I sat down in my chair. and stared at the wall for approximately 30 seconds.

 

For days, Aidan would pass by me having my cereal and coffee and wouldn't say a word, I suspected he wanted to concentrate on his work, and make a good impression while he was at our house. I would go about my daily business, driving to coffee shops at night, finding my place in the back and writing, go to work, come home, smoke cigarettes and drink Jack Daniels. He'd be dropping by almost every day for a month now, so I hardly noticed he was there since I was always downstairs in my room. We'd have him for dinner, and there wouldn't be much conversation between us, but an odd glare every know and again. Instantly I'd feel the same intrusion and go back to feeling I'm too prestigious to be noticing him, an outsider, a puppy - How pathetic. I would not admit to myself how his eyes frightened me now and again, how he'd slink past my room when my parents were out doing errands and he was in the office working and arranging. Quickly I realized how absolutely silly I was being. This boy had no place slinking around my house. I would confront him soon enough...

 

Weeks went by, it was fall, crisp, chilling, and inspiring. It was a Wednesday evening, 9:30 or so, All the garbage was laying about to be picked up in the morning, the air smelled of rich fire woods, and the breeze blew the crinkled coloured leaves across the asphalt. My parents had gone to Spain last Saturday to do some recording. I was finally glad to have the house to myself. I got home and put something I was working on in the stereo and ran it through the computer and main speakers in the house. I picked up one of the microphones and started to sing, I was alone - and I felt free somehow, It was a beautiful night. I took a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes out on the back deck, and listened to rinky old jazz tunes, I was approaching a state of inebriation, and decided to take a small walk just on the outskirts of our backyard (Which was fairly large, 3 acres.) I sat on a rock near the pond and continued to drink, I twisted the cap back on when I'd had enough, and lit a cigarette. There was rustling from squirrels, or something..

 

"Ugh. I hope it's not a damn skunk", I got up to double check, start walking towards the broken coloured rusty trees saw nothing and turned around. Before my brain could even process what was going on, I had some sort of gray glove over my mouth. I couldn't see what was happening, this was a fairly safe area, what's going on. this isn't happening to me, It's probably just a joke. I could hear the slight parting of moisture from their lips when they said my name.. "You're going to do exactly what I say lest there be repercussions." I rolled my eyes and tried to thrash about, but I couldn't budge.

"What the fuck are you doing to me you pathetic prick, let me go and pay for what you're looking for like any decent pervert would, on your way with you." They blindfolded me and taped my mouth shut, I had a hard time admitting to myself that I was scared. I was a brat, and I knew it. I was specific, I knew exactly what I liked and especially what I didn't. He flipped me over his shoulder and told me for every time I kicked him, he'd cut one of my cute little toes off, and save them for himself. He put me gently on my bed and bound me tightly to it, he shut my door, and took off my blindfold. I was too absent minded to think anything of it, Aidan did this - and I had no say at this point.

 

"Ahem, I found some manuscripts on your desk the other day that I'd like to read to you, they were quite shocking to say the least, Seriously Jade darling, I had no idea - I bet nobody really does. Sweetheart. you haven't been all too kind, I've been working extremely hard and still you look at me sourly, and with jealousy - Listen here miss secluded, it's time you've gotten exposed, pretty girl. You are a brilliant girl, but also quite confused. Perhaps I should recite some of your more recent manuscripts? "PLllzz dnnt" Barely audible through the duct tape. He sat on the other side of the room, his eyes glowing like marble sheen past the wisps of black neck length fine hair over his face. His eyes, I've never noticed them... they were bright ocean green - luminescent. his skin pale porcelain, he was dressed sharply, he took off his black Trench coat, neatly folded it and put it on the bed beside me, he was wearing an olive coloured suit jacket, plain brown shirt, and black dress pants. My mind drifted and panicked again at what he chose to read...

 

 

"Care to explain what this is about? Well... Don't hurt yourself with that thing on. Here." He rips the tape off my mouth in a fast pull." I was exceedingly embarrassed, I stared blankly in shame, I couldn't bear to look at him. "I knew this is what you needed. I'd have fantasies when I got back home at night, of coming down here while you were sleeping and putting my hand over your mouth, just to see those pretty stone eyes glitter with fear for me." Aidan put out his cigarette and started towards me. He took off his suit jacket, and sat beside me. just staring at me, eerily. He smelled great, I felt like an animal his hair was dark and fell perfectly around his face, and was an incredible contrast with his light green eyes. His face was sculpted in an almost ancient fashion, and I suppose I've never noticed it until inside this limelight of shocking significance.

 

He sat up, and went to my red wide computer chair. "Cherry Juice &" He only managed to get that much through his pink parted lips before I started bickering in a hubris as defining to my character as a fingerprint.

 

Aidan ignored my nonsense, and began to read with fascinating vitality. I sat on the bed in paralyzing awe. a radiance over one hemisphere of his face from the glow of the computer screen, while I embraced my words beating with life and oxygen, he gave birth to a mute, and interpreted it with a dialect and sound I would have never imaged.

 

He eventually set the story back down on the desk, and proceeding forwards, towards his shuddering breathtaking feline-like female. He dragged me off of the bed, down to the plush red carpet adorning my cave. Lifted my chin up to gaze with bestial precision and exclaims "I'm more than aware that you're more than capable and withstanding than you appear to be, you're a very rare kind, Jade! I was beginning to think those with your reptilian hot cold personality didn't exist... and here you are, and realize nothing can be done since I've found you. So I suggest you adhere to whatever I wish lest their be consequences. I could kill you if I wanted to, dear. You know that, cunt? You have certain needs that must be met."

 

He pressed my face against the yielding carpet with his leather boot, I released something of a yelp, "He's absolutely mad" I thought - but my squirming lead to no avail.

"We're going to go somewhere a little less familiar, now you be a good little girl, and strip, or I'll cut your garments from your body. I of course still being quite haughty in nature did not take this seriously. Aidan slapped my face with no warning, and wrenched my arms behind my back with one hand. He switched open a 5 inched curved blade, resembling that of a raptors claw and started just playing it over the small of my back, he left a small incision to assure that I was aware where I stood in the situation. I gave into my animalistic urges, it was so paralyzingly frighting and fascinating I could already feel soft moisture expelling itself from my fleshy pink pedals, now inflamed with blood. I was somewhat ashamed. I did not have the strength to struggle any further. He lead me out the backdoor by my hair took me to a specific area, and shoved my down to the dry rather uninviting grass, a single black ant crawled up my leg, I started to pant heavily in fear, I was sure that he'd kill me. He sat me down in front of a large birch tree, and securely tied my torso and my hands along with it with an itchy yellow rope and uses the silver tape to clamp my mouth once more. At this point I was only wearing my brown pajama pants and satin bra. My blonde hair in a disheveled mess, some stuff in the tape, some stained with the former red matte lipstick I was wearing.